a early birthday wish. HAPPY BIRTHDAY VALERIE!!! i know it's tommorrow but i dont know if i'm gonna be here tomorrow so cheers!! like okay. maths wasnt that hard if i had studied. in fact, it would have been chicken feet or duck feet you might say. hahaha. it was okay. cumulative frequency totally saved my ass down there. i spent liike 30 minutes on it. i think i'll pass. all i did for the question on transformation was draw the line M. damn it. i knew how to do the rotation and reflectio man. not enough time. rarr!! i should get extra time. i cant bend my right hand more than 90 degrees. it hurts like fuck. i didnt need to say pledge. hahah!! it really hurts. hmmph! after the paper was literature. it was quite productive. we did an essay in class. i need to read my text badly. and my biology notes. then it was chem. i honestly cant remember what went on, cos it was the bitch teaching. i drifted of to sleep and right before i fell aslepp she woke me to ask me to answer a question. it's a good thing i'm smart. HAHA! recess. i read maria's geography text for like less than 5 minutes. then i couldnt concentrate. the new chinese teacher was our invigilator. what a bitch. she came in like 10 minutes late? started making a hoo ha bout how we were not ready and slow when she was the one who was late? she started counting down form 10. you look at her and you wanna punch her. you spend a minute with her and you'll hate her. what a stark contrast between her and mak. bitch. never mind. then she insisted we sit accordinng to our electives. tried to explain nicely that the teacher just asks us to raise our hands to distribute the papers. she started saying i was rude and yadder yadder. hahah. so i was like " so you want me to talk like YOU?! " and i started imitating her voice. then she started bout convent girls nowadays yadder yadder. i ignored her and went back to my seat. cass was like "way to go." hahaha. everyone hated her. later in the end she was like oh, i think it's difficult to rearrange you now. so just raise you hands. i was like wasnt that what we said in the first place? bitch. i stuck out my tongue at her. hahah. childish yeah. i dont care. alot of people saw and started sniggering. half way during the exam, she opened the door and started shouting, asking a girl not to hide behind the pillar. what the helll. so noisy. everying started 'tsking' and hushing her. haaha. she finally shut up and came back into class and STARED at us. hahaha. i managed to write 1 page for geography. it was quite easy man. slept for half an hour. left class after that. bel came from next door. debbie and kim came down to find me. hahaha. she wrote a nonsense letter to me. what the hell. hahaha. fast forward. during warm up, me, amanda's and jo's arms were hurting like fuck. rubbed the 'ben is gay' muscle rub. hahaha. didnt help at all. hmm. first quarter and all i was controller. we played well. hahaha. i had very nice assists. too bad it's not like NBA where they record assists too. he was in a very good mood today. dont know why. he kept calliing everyone and anyone who put in a ball superstar. and he sat on the floor and talked to thessa. he asked her if she wanted to play, if she wanted he would get an extra jersey for her. nonsense. hahaha. there was 2 balls sue li put in and they actually stood up and cheered for her. HAHA! i think my passes were very nice today. i love my assists :D lin's gonna say "selective memory" hahaha. the score was 60 something to 20 i think. i cant remember. hahaha. it was fun. he says we're not going for the other competition. what the hell, by then kim and judy can play man. RARR him. debriefed. waited for triccocia and corissa cos she said they were coming with us. in the end when trico finished playing she said they were not coming? what the hell. so we scolded corissa. hahaha. so she said she would come with us. trico said okay. next moment, tricocia said she was tired then corissa said dont want to go. hahaha. what the hell. cheated us twice. now she's asking me to do lunch with her. hmmph! hahaha. went serene center, debbie taught me chem. she ate macs. dad dropped her home.. hahaha. the lady with the scarf on her head was scary. hahaha. lin took back the ipod to charge. i might be doing lunch with them tommorrow. cos wednesday paper is dont need to and cannot study. chinese and SS. rarr!! i hate exams. you're my life. i dont know how i ever was happy without you. i could ask you to stay, but i would never. not when your heart's not in it. the nights are so empty, the days so lonely. the world is timeless when you're here with me. and when you're not, the nights are colder, the days longer. i cant say how much i love you. sometimes i've run out of words. and i try so hard to pretend that i dont care. pretend that my insides are not churning, when i see your face. i try to pretend that my world does not crumble when you're walking away. "if you call me today, i'll say that i'm fine. but i bet you can tell from the tone of my voice it's just a lie." bloody hell if i dont feel so empty and so incomplete without you. YOU complete me. oh yeah. take the world but give me YOU.

i think this picture is beautiful. depression is infectious and you are a habit i cant break. friday. that was fun splash. fun flash. we got to leave class at 10.15. i'm hurt. debbie keeps calling me a big mouth. RARR. oh oh. corissa told me the story behind the 7 missed calls. "eh. study hard. " oh what the hell. which self respecting A/bung whatever she's trying to be says that to someone who doesnt even like her? oh yeah. fun splash. how ironic that the name is so contradictory to the actual thing. oh yeah. sure we had fun. we had so much fun cos first she almost banned everyone from going. due to reebok shorts and short hair so she says. i was the only basketballer who escaped all of that crap. she looked at me and said, anna you can go. yeah she loves me. i hope NOT. but it comes in handy though. hahaha. i have found the answer is to love you and be loved by you alone. okay so the point is they stashed all the short hair peopl and so called unsightly people at the back. how fun, when all my friends are stashed behind. they didnt even let zhi yi stand. okay so jo's hair is not short? oh what the hell. they said that we're all in 1 gang trying to recruit other short hair people and influence them. it's not our fault the sec ones are posers. oh the novice race was entertaining. ms veeno: the worst are the indians! they cannot swim!! you know why?! they see the coconut trees, they think of bollywood they wanna dance. oh what the hell. that cracked me up alright. we were all bumped and annoyed at the end of the meet. waited so long for the bus back to school. we played taiti on the way back. funness. cleared and arranged the stuff. we were about to go back when leslie called me, sasha, zhi yi and debbie to talk. what the hell. he was talking bout image and GGR and bullshit man. i wanted to laugh. kissing sound!!! hahaha inside joke. dad rescued me from the talk. left them there. hahaha. monday. no training. had talks. went back after shopping with debbie. tuesday. training was like training. bossy captain. okay she's improved okay. i'll give her that. game sucked. i couldnt stop laughing over the armpit hair!! hahahah. stupid kim. wednesday. the match. they were both suspended. so we had no controllers. the margin was actually close. 4 balls. not even half way through 1st quarter. he walked out?! saying we were thrashed? took out the main five put swiss in? what the heck. we were all damn pissed. our morale was actually up and he brought it down. i felt like crying. in the end, the score was 49-9. suprisingly, no one cried. compared to last year. every match we lose we cry. went SPC and ate. wow. they were so lomantic. hahahah!!! all the sec 2s, judy, wanling and jia bao. ate hip hop jelly :D hahha. thursday. again during the match he started getting rarr rarr. irritating. dont even wanna talk bout it. we could have won. really could have. you know what? they're lucky their principal is not so dumb as to suspend players cos of short hair. if that were so, they would have been left with 3 players. triccocia came down today. ahaha. dont know why but she was so excited like ANNA!! hahaha. gossiped bout who other than her. yeah. lazy to type. i really really miss you. why cant i breathe wheneveer i think about you? friday. whoo. hmm. not much of classes. which was like awesome. hahah. had fun during the investiture. me and sasha played chopsticks. i lost 4-1 :( haha. played chikopa! i won 3-2. yay. talked crap. played truth or dare. hahaha. funny shit. sang loudly. after school, we went to town in wee jia's car. hahaha. the sally thing was damn funny. stupid debbie. after walking we decided to eat baked rice. full like shit. we wanted to spy on chong wa wa and irwin. but they changed destination and we were too lazy. we bought corissa's present and yeah. hahah. wanted to buy my maroon adidas shorts but didnt have, so we went to galilee and friends. ordered a milk shake so we could sit there while debbie was 'studying'. haha. so me and sasha played the blocks thing. i won!! 3-4. yayay. we laughed like shit. were damn tired and sleepy. so we went our seperate ways. yeah. corissa keeps bugging me to go on sunday. and she keeps bugging me to tell her the story of my almost non-existent love likfe. half of the reason was you. you're the reason why i'm so emotional nowadays. what love is there when there isnt you. you took my heart and ran. you took all the color in life with you. why would i even look for someone new when i had you. when i knew what it's like to love the best, to have the best, to hold you. everything and everyone else would be insignificant wouldnt it? everything else would fall short and only make me want you more. damn it. you're gotten way under my skin. what have you done to me??

this is from post secret.

everyone should read that website.

it's amazing.

i'm annoyed with her for telling fat pat. and telling him nonsense at that. thanks alot. for not confirming stories, not believing in my character. and for spreading rumours. thanks aye. i thought at least you would confirm stories. but no. forget it. nowadays i myself dont know who i am, i dont expect others to know me too. i feel like shit. i dont know why i've been crying. yeah i try to hide my tears. what the hell is wrong with me? i cried during physics test? what the hell. the match sucked. STC lost 17-44. realise STC? bel, li wei, debbie and swiss didnt even get to go on court. i played for like what? 5-10 minutes. it's my first time of al the four years, it's the least i played. even when i was sec one i played quite alot. it was very unreal. like i was watching a match instead of having a competition. the moment the game ended, sharon came up to me and said, he played wrong people. he really did. i didnt even shed a tear. i dont know. i think there's something wrong with me. triccocia asked if i was okay. corissa asked me not to cry. of course i was okay and unaffected by losing. it was not my game to play. if there was a reason i felt like crying, it was at the very fact i didnt even get to contribute. oh what the hell. it sucked that all the schools got converse. so wanted the D.O.S one. all fat pat's fault. we stayed to watch the hockey match. we won like 2-0 first goal was by hitomi then marissa. yeah. then we met marc. and then we went to SPC to eat instant noodles and buy tidbits. then me and debbie walked back to CCAB cos dad was coming to fetch and we both didnt know how to go back . went down for home cell. gary was supposed to bring the delirious cd for me today. he brought the case without the cd. hahaha. winner. i cant smile without you, it doesnt quite reach my eyes. i cant laugh without you, it doesnt feel quite the same. i keep telling myself to enjoy. enjoy this life without you. i keep trying to immerse myself in friends, in other things. but nothing satisfies. bsaketball it's like slipping away. and friends? i dont have any. damn it i really miss you. no matter how hard i try to deny. ii try to wake up with a false smile on my face, but damn it's so hard to keep it there when you're not next to me, there isnt a message from you in the morning. it's so hard to laugh without you by my side.

it just shows how much you know me. it really does. for you to even ask that question. i may be a bitch. but not such a big one. i still have a conscience. still have a heart. no i'm no angry with you. i'm just disappointed. i have a heart. ask lin. i was so hesitant to even ask her that. and you. what the hell. i would never force someone to quit. i would never stoop that low. even if i do, did you ever realise it was not for ME? it was for a FRIEND. do you not know that i am not a chao ah lian, going around threatening to beat people up. what the hell. it shocks me that you could even think i would go beat her up. seriously. which brings me back to the fact. how many people around me whom i think i can call friends are really friends? i think i owe shi yun a major apology. i've been very mean to her. i'm sorry. i guess i let my feelings cloud my judgement. i did some thinking. yes. i think i've been a bitch. no, i know. i've been a bitch. if i could be wrong bout shi yun, maybe i'm wrong bout jo in certain parts too. i'll try.

the vicious cycle of life. of carrying on when you dont feel like doing anything but moping around, lying in bed. yeah hell. training that day wasnt as bad. except for the bad mannered shoves and elbows. i really had to resist the urge to hurt her back real bad. he was wearing the shirt again. the sleeveless shirt. i felt that it was so unfair. how she could even still be in the team. how debbie wasnt gonna be there on the court playing. i resisted the urge to cry, to throw in the towel. but i pushed myself and tried to concentrate and play the game like how it deserved to be played. tried. some how i couldnt. but at least today wasnt as bad. at least i played good defense, made nice passes and took and put in nice shots and layups. at least he saw my worth. at least i tried. hmm. school. biology dissection. as fun as dissecting a flower could be. carved names on petals. math. read. house practice. the first match we won 12-0. then we lost 16-1. they cheated. they took all their best players even from other teams to play with us okay. never mind. then we won 7-4. isabel was such cheaters. pushing us, squeezing us so we cant jump to block the ball. debbie is the world's biggest cheater. hahaha. anyway we won so big deal. the time of the month must be coming. must be. there's no other explaination for all these overwhelming emotions. not a single other reason why i feel like crying right now. right here. no it's not the reason i saw you happy, head thrown back in laughter. it's definetely not because i'm not over you. now who am i trying to kid. it's you. you're the reason i'm so uptight. you're the one getting under my skin. into my dreams. i thought i was over you. i thought that i thought of you less frequently. that what went on in your life did not bother me anymore. that you could move on and i would not care, that i wouldnt be still stuck here, moping around waiting for you, waiting for us to happen. yes. this will be the last time i cry. the last tear i shed. this will be last minute i spend moping, and i f i see you like that again, i'll hold my head up high. and no matter what, no matter how much it rips my insides out, i will not, i will not tell you i love you.

these are the joys in my life.

the boys.

they've lifted my spirit countless times.

cheers to them.

hey mates. training on wednesday was like well, something that wasnt pleasant. usually playing ball lifts my spirits. but of late, training has been rather depressing for me. i wonder why life is so unfair. why the top 5 is the top 5. why debbie doesnt get to play. why he doesnt seem to realise some of us are sweating our asses off more than others. more than often, i wonder what changed. when everything became so cold, when the team was no longer a team. when the team became a group of smaller groups. prejudices here and there. then i wonder how he could stand there, and be so blind. i would wonder how he dares to talk about mak and eric. how he could ask us to respect the ms sharon when he didnt show them any respect. and i think bout what eric said. then i ask myself. how can he talk bout eric like eas if he treats eric with respect, as his fellow coach, when his actions speak louder and they shout the opposite thing. i try to see things from his point of view. why for those 6 months of my life i was deprived of training. i try to understand why gwen and sharon can no longer be part of the team. i try. i really do. then i go on court. i work my ass off. trying to take up the role of a controller. trying to make things happen. trying to get my rebounds. but most of the time, each training i feel so lost. because there's no team to play with. and maybe i just aint good enough. tell me the truth. i just want the truth. i wanna know why things have changed. why he has changed. why couldnt things be the same. i wanna know WHY. why in his eyes i'll never be good enough. why joanne gets to continue fucking boss me around. do the review yourself. who's the captain. fufill your duties before talking to me like you deserve my respect. bloody hell. today was a thursday. biology test. it wasnt that bad. she wasnt here for lit. so i read through my text. for chem i felt like smashing her head through the glass and telling her to go to hell. at that point of time, i really really wanted to smash her to smitherines. but she aint worth doing time for. no one could get on my nerves that much. i dont know i'm feeling so upset. i really dont. everything's depressing. YOU. you're depressing. you know why i like reading novels so much? cos at least in there, they always get their happy endings. and since i know i cant have mine, i want everyone else to have theirs. i try to share theirs. but it aint the same. will never be. recess. chinese. copied that worksheet shit. there's a mock test tommorrow. and i wanna RARR! geography was test. math. i cant remember what was going on. oh yeah. zhi yi smelled her armpit. hahaha. told her it stank. she didnt wanna listen. hahaha. so i was like zhi yi smelled chee bye. hahaha. then i realised it sounded really wrong. hahaha. after school, we waited in the foyer. me, sasha, debbie and val went to town. bought tickets for cheaper by the dozen 2. met zhi yi and melissa. went to eat at marche's. finally had my mushroom soup. and the chicken sausage. i was so full. talked and laughed. gossiped. hahaha. sasha told me something amusing. she said someone told her that people are saying i like her and she likes me. hahaha. that's amusing. went for the movie. the level 9 theatre was small but it was nice. hahaha. cheaper by the dozen 2 as funny shit. it's as good as the first. hahah. val cried? i was like are you crying??! it's so not a crying movie?! hahaha. the first one is sadder. oh wells. i'm probably gonna catch it again with lin sometime :D the jerseys are coming on wednesday. again i had to take care of stuff. basket. i'm pissed. and oh. here's the schedule for our upcoming matches: 10th February (Friday) - SCGS at 1415 hours 16th February (Thursday) - Queensway at 1530 hours 22nd February (Wednesday) - Raffles at 1530 hours 23rd February (Thursday) - St Magret's at 1530hours 27th February (Monday) - Guang Yang at 1530 hours dang it but i miss eric and mak. i feel like eating ben & jerry's. what randomness.