| MY WORLD
i'm living for the day i see your face again..
Friday, December 30, 2005
i read the transcript for lexmas. awesome. it's one of those lex episodes that makes you sit up. i always love it, apart from the fact that a hottie's almost forever on screen, hahaha, well, he really adds a whole dimension to the character, and it makes you wanna reach out and shush his fears. you wont see lex the villian in the same way again. cos beneath of all of that, is so much hurts, is years of being unloved by his father, by lana. years of rejection that makes him the villian he is. and it's really sad seeing him give up the fight, take the easy way out and let the little evil in him overcome the good. now and then the good appears and it's so sad!! and now my favourite quotes ( forgive me if it's inaccurate, it's from memory ) Lex: Clark, dont give up on me yet. " and... Lex: I was wondering, did the experiment create an evil me, or did it already exist." and!!! Chloe: Why is it you hate you father so much? Lex: Because he will never give me the one thing i want the most. Chloe: And that is? Lex: I want him to love me. SOBS!!! the saddest!!! Lionel: Oh son.. if only i've.. if only i've seen.. if i've known.. ( immensly regretful ) things would have been so different. Lex: Yeah dad, you might have actually loved me. AHHH!!! this is driving me nuts!! i'm living for the day i see your face again..
The Girl Behind the Screen, 7:29 PM
goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend
Thursday, December 29, 2005
i lost myself the day you walked away.
nothing seems to matter cos the only one you need, isnt here.
there is so many things inside of me i just cant find the words to express.
i feel like what's her name from joy luck club, the moon lady.
like i hoped for something that was impossible and then i fell from such a great height.
i know i can be better,
i can actually make a difference.
but i really dont know how to go bout it.
i need the strength to get up and do the things i'm supposed to do.
i need to find the courage to live on,
to live the right life.
but most of all,
i need you to be here with me.
but every morning i wake,
and i reach out for you,
but the point is you arent there,
i turn and look kfor your face,
but i'm alone.
and it seems right at that moment,
my world crumbles,
and my strength is sucked right out of me.
it seems like nothing wont ever be the same.
i still see that vivid image of you walking away,
fading into the distance.
the tears in my eyes,
it has become quite a permanant feature of my face ever since you have left.
i really need you here.
all i'm left with is empty promises,
hurt and i'm trying.
it'm trying to forget.
i really am.
but time really doesnt heal all wounds.
at least not for me.
time just numbs the pain,
cos i'm getting used to the hurt.
but all it takes is just a word to tear down all my defenses.
it takes so bloody long,
i dont think this wounds would ever heal.
and from experiences,
the hurts and cuts there werent half as deep,
they still leave so many stupid scars.
they just freaking make me break down.
cos one day,
if by a miracle these wounds heal,
i know there's bound to be scars.
and those scars,
they're there to haunt me,
a painful reminder of you,
of what i lost,
a painful reminder of how dear you,
you probably never loved me like i love you,
most likely never will.
damn the scars.
damn it.
damn the world. damn you.
and damn it if the night doesnt always have a way of making me feel all alone,
if it doesnt remind me of the times when there was only you and me,
and nothing ever seemed to matter.
Goodbye my lover,
goodbye my friend.
"i'm falling even more in love with you,
letting go of all i've held onto,
i'm standing here until you make me move,
i'm hanging by a moment here with you."
The Girl Behind the Screen, 7:27 PM
balling
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEL MY DEAR OTHER HALF!!! :D
RARR!!
yeah. woke up early to meet sharon, bel, li wei and supposedly joanne.
we were supposed to play ball,
but in the end headed down to town,
cos i needed to pee,
and we agreed to hop onto the very first bus that came.
hahaha.
so yes.
as dumb as it is,
we headed down to town to pee.
hahaha.
okay,
in the end,
we grabbed subway sandwhiches.
me and bel wanted beard papa,
but we were gonna be late to meet joanne ( we were supposed to meet at 11 )
so yeah,
we ditched the idea.
we were reaching when she happily called saying she was still at home watching tv.
RARR!!
we could have gotten beard papa!!
it was a good thing we had the basketball with us.
we played man jiang!!!
i won!!
at first i thought i overshot,
then i counted again and realised i won.
she finally came.
not that i was looking forward to her arrival but yes.
the main point was seeing who was a better player.
trico or her.
obviously it was trico.
but hahaha.
jo was wearing the shirt we were going to buy.
one of the many she bought because we wanted to buy.
RARR!
and please.
the red and white was SO hy.
ugh!!
cos i was late,
bel's drink was my treat haha.
corrissa and trico came.
she was wearing that shirt that we wanted.
hahaha.
she was suprisingly friendly.
though she shoots weird,
she's really actually acurate.
yeah.
she's nice.
hahaha.
she was like what the fuck is with that joanne and started complaining.
hahaha.
jo was being bloody annoying and acting cute.
she asked hy to play properly,
when hello?
she was the one who was sucky.
she started going after me?
crazy.
hahaha.
like as if i'm the one who take corrissa from her.
she was like scared of trico?
actually acted cute and asked her not to defend her?
like what the hell.
coward.
elmo came.
jia rui came.
hahah.
elmo asked me why i dont like jo.
i told her to ask bel.
and then bel said there used to be a 101 reasons.
HAHA! you wouldnt guess corrissa said man.
she was like WHOA! i bet now there's a 1001 reasons!
HAHAH!!! roflmao!!~
me, sharon and trico were on one team.
hy, jo, li wei on the other.
we won 11-4?
nice passes.
then it was me, trico and li wei VS hy, jo and bel.
we won 11-6.
yeah.
played with 2 guys 2 on 2.
me and jo.
we won 11-6.
hahaha.
some losers played with hy, sharon and trico,
lost and couldt accept it.
they insisted on playing again.
subbed in for sharon.
won again.
then they were like again?!
we were damn annoyed.
so i was like face it,
we're better.
they shut up.
haha.
then there was that cute boy which just hated hy.
haha.
he pointed to everyone and said:
looked at hy and said,
i dont want that one.
HAHA! roflmao!!~
then his dad called,
he passed the phone and ask me to talk to his dad?
hahaha.
talked.
had fun.
went back at 4.30.
cabbed back.
yeah..
bathed.
yadder yadder.
in the end didnt meet her.
uh huh.
church was good.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 12:15 PM
swimming with the ngs :D
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
hey there.
i had fun yesterday.
it's as good as it gets when there isnt you involved.
so yeah.
of course most of the fun was brought bout by the ngs.
noah is so adorable.
his eyes!!
i love his eyes!! :D
yeah. so all of us with the exception of noah went swimming.
debbie and rebbekah came.
uh huh. so we had lots of fun.
except for the fact that it was sooooo crowded.
yeah.
i HATE crowded places.
the twins were like being themselves.
plus being like SUPER high.
hahaha.
which added extra cuteness to them.
if that's even possible :D
hahaha.
yeah.
all 12 of us ended up heading back at around 6 plus to bathe at our house.
hahah. good thing that we have 12 bathrooms.
yeah. the twins knocked out like at the complex when we carried them.
so yeah.
they slept in my room.
prepared dinner/bathed.
was gonna go down to buy drinks.
steph woke joshie and caleb by talking so loudly.
hahaha.
josh went back to sleep,
but caleb was gonna cry.
so i picked him up.
he fell asleep.
then dad woke him up.
in the end he went down with us to buy drinks.
yeah.
dinner was good.
salmon with steamed chicken and chicken rice and soup.
yeah. soup.
hahaha.
the twins favourite.
at first they were soo hard to feed.
they insisted on dinks, soup,
yadder yadder, typical them.
hahaha.
then all of a sudden,
they were so easy to please.
hahah.
went to jump on the bed with them,
hahahha.
caleb vommitted on my bed man.
sick.
hahahha.
they bathed,
changed into their PJs,
and watched and stroked noah while he 'bathed'.
hahah.
so adorable.
watched project runway/played with them on the 'bye bye chair' which is actually my mom's swivel chair.
they were so happy.
so before i swing them i go 'hello caleb! hello joshua! bye bye!' with other variations.
but it always ended with a bye bye and a swing.
so whenever they wanted a swing they would shout 'bye bye!!!'
laugh and look so adorable.
hahaha.
it was so funny.
and they started sweating just by sitting down.
hahaha.
i couldnt even go to the toilet in peace.
both of them started banging on the door.
hahaha.
gee!!! i love them so much :D!!
hahaha.
watched grey anatomy.
it's great!!
everyone should catch it!!!
every monday 11pm :D
stupid rachel watched till the second season already :(
not fair!
hahaha.
watched some movie.
read magazines,
went to sleep.
well,
today we're supposed to have OBS people outing but i'm seriously lazy to travel.
and besides,
it isnt as good as OBS itself.
i miss camp!!
i miss bibi.
plus,
i'm gonna be out whole day tommorrow.
balling at 9 till dont know when.
town.
BIBI!!! and sasha.
so yeah.
church till like 10 pluus.
reach home at 11?
yeah.
i'm gonna be shopping later at JP with my sisters for gail's present.
so uh huh.
and i dont know what else but yeah.
laters.
there's so much inside of me that i just cant explain.
there's this thing inside that i feel that i cant ever let anyone feel.
so meanwhile i'll keep it inside me,
let my tears come out when there's no one there to see.
dont worry cos you wont hear from me again,
i'll be sure to keep my thoughts to myself.
only i will know that i havent gotten over you.
that you're still with me in my dreams.
no one else will know that you still mean so much to me.
i'll live this rest of my life alone,
my pillows will still be wet when i wake in the morning,
cos i'll try.
i'll try not to cry cos you arent there.
but i know i still will,
i know it'll leave me so empty inside when i wake and dont see your face.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 1:01 PM
all i want for christmas is you
Monday, December 26, 2005
hey hey.
like i was saying,
i went to catch narnia with rachel, val and some of her friends.
yeah.
it was good.
hahaha.
so many funny moments.
that bloody pathetic bottle of minute maid cost me 3 bucks!!!
WTH!!
went 'shopping' trying to find steph's present.
it was so unsuccessful and me and rachel ended up so shagged ( tired, shagged not shag shag. hahah! )
cabbed down to church.
yadder yadder.
saturday's worship was amazing.
and the babies were there.
so you can imagine.
had a mini jamming session with robin gary and jacque.
yeah.
had dinner.
watched them do the dance.
it's so fun to do.
hahaha.
hmm.
on christmas it was like yeah.
tidying up the house cos there were people coming for dinner.
hmm.
as some of you guys know i dont celebrate christmas,
in fact my whole church doesnt cos it's a pagaen festival and jesus wasnt really born on christmas day.
it originated when the romans wanted to influence and include the olden days believers.
yeah.
25th of December was actually the birth of the sun not the Son.
so yeah.
yadder yadder.
BUT i dont mind the presents i know i'll get!! hahaha!
elaine and the three babies and ken came over to collect "ken's" turkey.
hahaha.
uh huh.
i tidied up my cupboard and folded my clothes and all.
like finally!.
i didnt know i had SO many shirts.
blah blah.
watched tv and all.
waited for the people to come.
we were soo hungry.
the koks FINALLY arrived.
hahah.
ate.
dinner was good.
turkey with noodes,
mushrooms etc etc.
i'm trying to cut down on my posts because some peole are complaining they're soo long.
haha.
yeah.
watched sweet home alabama.
played jenga,
screamed.
played cards.
did things we do.
somehow wasnt as fun.
yeah.
i woke up to breakfast today.
yeah.
aunty eleanor came over.
later in the day we're going swimming with the ngs :D!!
cant wait!!
i never knew someone could be so alone when they're surrounded by so many friends.
i never understood how people could feel so happpy when they have like everything in the world.
now i do.
cos i dont have YOU.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 1:01 PM
cos i'm here without you, it doesnt get any better
Friday, December 23, 2005
yesterday was balling with hy, bel, sharon and her.
plus andre and the acjc basketballers and the CJ captain.
yeah. it was good.
rebounding and all.
i played my heart out and it felt good.
doing what i was made to do,
jumping,
taking shots,
making things happen ( nice assists ).
yeah.
cos for a moment i sat there,
just thinking and i thought,
i wanna be the super defender i was.
no, i wanna be better.
and yeah.
we played 4 on 4.
i cant remember the score for that,
but i know the next game we nearly won.
10-11.
hahah.
yeah.
but what matters is giving all you have.
played until 12.30.
it started raining.
we wanted to go down PS to watch narnia!!!
hahaha.
but they didnt want to unless it was my treat.
neh neh.
hahaha.
in the end,
me bel and sharon went to PS.
bought sushi.
met li wei. saw maria:D
went to macs and yeah.
corrissa and jia rui came.
i was soooo full.
hahahaa.
we talked bout it.
and we wandered around and was like typical us.
in the end we went to play pool!! :D
hahaha.
first me and li wei VS sharon and bel.
hahaha.
we lost by one ball.
i swear li wei only put in like 3 balls?
hahaha.
the next game she warmed up abit.
hahaha.
i played against her.
won.
played with sharon and yeah.
lost by one ball.
cos of corrissa!!
i was gonna hit the last ball then she pushed me.
and i fouled.
so sharon got a free ball :(
hahaha.
the beng/ lians were damn annoying.
RARR!
i wanted to say something but corrissa said to give her face.
so yeah.
met juli peh.
went back.
eh!!! i want an OBS outing!!!! :D
PLEASE?!!
hahaha.
and bibi!!! and sasha!!
cant wait!!!
i really miss camp :(
and i can feel the distance between us growing, and growing.
and it makes me really sad.
well,
yesterday they said they never saw this side of emotional me.
but i guess i try to hide it.
i try to hide it from myself.
i go around plastering a smile,
laughing and cracking jokes.
i try to be happy,
to be satisfied.
but cos i'm here without you,
it doesnt get any better than this.
i'm trying to find something to fill this hole inside of me,
this emptiness that existed ever since you left.
i know it's supposed to be Him.
but i dont know why i just cant.
which is why i miss camp so much.
cos for a very long time since you left,
during that 5 days i actually felt complete,
i truly actually felt happy.
the people around me filled up that empty space you left behind.
but those 5 days are over,
and i wouldnt believe it but i'm left with a bigger space nothing seems to fill.
i can only forget it for a while,
when i'm giving my 120% on court.
but other times,
i'm so much emptier than i started out to be.
all the promises are just empty words.
we all said that we would not drift apart.
well YOU said things would not change,
that you would still love me as much.
sometimes i blame myself for not being enough motivation to stay.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 9:34 AM
BBQ
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
hey.
since saturday,
not many things have happened.
although there was sunday which was really fun.
the BBQ was like hahaha.
the twins were like totally photogenic and blah blah.
yadder yadder.
when i first saw the fire i was like OBS!!!!
hahaha.
it was just bricks on the floor.
yadder yadder.
even though i havent been saying it as often,
i really do still miss OBS.
i really still miss bibi!!
yay!!!!
we're gonna meet her next wednesday!!!
which is like one week away!! so near yet so far!
hahaha.
:(
okay.
side tracked.
yeah.
hahaha.
the fire gary built was like pathetic.
hahaha.
then i arranged the charcoal like boss taught and voom!
a fire!!
hahaha
with the help of an electronic fan.
hahah.
the first time ever i went to a BBQ and we used an electronic fan.
lmao!
the twins were so adorable ( as usual ) insisting to help fan the fire.
hahaha.
i like the picture fanny took with caleb's sunglasses and macho pose.
noah was like the guest star.
so lots of talking and lame jokes with gary and elizabeth and jacque.
yadder. lots of babies.
then okay.
first me and gary went into the dark room and scared people.
then eliz and jacque came in.
hahaha.
so me and gary started a pillow fight in the dark.
and the light.
cos the lights kept going on and off. hahah.
jarren and jehian came in.
jacque wrapped jarren in a blanket and all of us hit him.
hahah.
i loved in when the lights when off,
cos you could hit everyone and no one knew it was you!!
hahaha.
elizabeth thought she was hitting jacque and she was hitting me.
i was like HEY!!
hahaha.
should have seen her face!!
she was like AH!
wrong person.
what started out as 4 people became like all the youth cramming into that small room whacking each other.
ah man. that was fun.
it was like really funny,
all of us screaming shouting, whacking like crazed murderers.
hahaha.
and then caleb pulls open the door and everyone just freezes.
hahaha.
like he's the innoncent that brings peace.
hahaha.
dude.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 5:36 PM
here without you baby
Sunday, December 18, 2005
"Here Without You" A hundred days have made me older Since the last time that I saw your pretty face A thousand lies have made me colder And I don't think I can look at this the same But all the miles that separate Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby But you're still on my lonely mind I think about you baby And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby But you're still with me in my dreams And tonight it's only you and me The miles just keep rollin' As the people leave their way to say hello I've heard this life is overrated But I hope that it gets better as we go
I'm here without you baby But you're still on my lonely mind I think about you baby And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby But you're still with me in my dreams And tonight girl its only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go It gets hard but it wont take away my love And when the last one falls When it's all said and done It gets hard but it wont take away my love
I'm here without you baby But you're still on my lonely mind I think about you baby And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby But you're still with me in my dreams And tonight girl its only you and me
damn it if this song doesnt get me depressed, doesnt get me thinking about all of you. of everything we had or didnt. it's that haunting image of you. it doesnt fade. i dont forget. the pain doesnt disappear. time just numbs it. and all it takes is just a simple thing like a song to rip the wound open. to send the tears flowing. damn it if i dont think bout you enough. i know i've already blogged today.
i just wanna do it again.
cos saying things make it feel a teenie lil better.
i'm left here,
and there's so many people around me.
but you know what,
i feel so alone.
so cold and forsaken.
and this song that's playing in my head.
it just says so much. it doesnt help the way i'm feeling. i thought i've forgotten, that i got over you. that i dont remember all that pain. but i'm thrown back into square 1 again. and i found myself sitting there, unable to stop the memories from playing, unable to stop the tears from coming, unable to defend myself aginst the pain that hit me. just because i try not to talk about it, does not mean i'm over it, that i ever feel better, or that i'm ever gonna be okay. i believed that once. i cant. not anymore.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 3:44 PM
sentosa
i'm burnt!! and my nose is peeling!!! hahaha. but let me start by explaining why. on friday, i woke up at 6.30. i changed yadder yadder. made my way down to harbour interchange. reached at 8 i thought i was late? i almost cabbed. it was a good thing i didnt. only lin and amanda and 2 of the sec ones were there. waited and waited. went to starbucks to grab a mocha frap and that mushroom thingy and their chips. lin had 3 subways cookies. went back and hy and all were already there. boarded the shuttle bus to sentosa. the 3 of us, debbie, me and sharon were wearing our nike jerseys :D sharon's was ultra sexy, plus her FBTS, she looked like a girl for once. hahaha. mine and debbie's were ultra long and covering our FBTS. so we looked naked. hahaha. we tucked in hah. played ball at siloso. me, debbie, sharon and amanda VS germaine, wai cheng, lynn, joleen and hui wen. we won. haha. suprise. went into the water. dunked everyone. hahaha. no one managed to dunk me man. hahah. we threw germaine into the water. hahah. she attempted to dunk me, but only succeeded in pulling out my hair. hahahah. saw some guys using our basketball, we went to play with them. 5 on 5. they nearly lost? hahaha. 5-7. then they hurriedly ran away. hahah. played for a while. another group came in. 10-11. we lost. hahaha. but come on. we played a good game. those assholes left me alone inside. we were all playing bare footed on the hot ground. me and hy were th only ones jumping and running. the rest of the asses e.g sharon, bel and debbie just stayed there and did shooting. neh. hahaha. the jason guy was like super funny. forever over the board. i hate playing with half naked guys. haha if they have sweaty shirts it aint that bad. just disgusting sweaty and oily bodies are like YUCK. plus the fact i was the centre. so there was alot of body contact. YUCK. haahha. hy was damn funny. EEEE!!! what's this?!! hahaha. and that fuck too high guy! haahha. lmao!! fast forward. went to palawan. man those americans wrestling each other was entertainment. one looked like a rock star, the other super size me, and the last looked like some boy band singer. hahah. then there was the other group that got fascinated by little things such as: 2 birds flying in the sky. hahaha. their wrestling was darn funny/obscene cos in the struggle to get 1 of them dunked they did quite a bit of groping. hahaha! me and hy were like erm. built our sandcastle with the moat. but the tide went down so it was like an empty moat. hahah. went for lunch at harbour. oh man. there were people caroling downstairs. horrid singing man. seriously. went back. yeah. yesterday the twins came. like finally!!! hahaha. i felt so bad depriving them of the wine!! hahaha. and they wanted to go home with us!!
hahaha. caleb went " bye bye papa!!" joshie went " bye bye nai nai! bye bye tini!" hahaha. then they refused to let ken carry them. in the end me and steph carried them down. when we put them in the car, they just super started pouting! hahaha. so adorable. aha. had jamming session. it was fun.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 11:05 AM
balling and nike jersey
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
actually,
my previous post was much more detailed.
but the whole part of it was actually deleted.
i bet kwan's happier now that she has to read less.
hahaha.
she's being a fag,
not wanting to go on friday,
not wanting the sun.
what a wuss.
hahaha.
hmm.
training today was like 9 people.
me, hy, lin, bel, sharon, debbie, germaine, lynn and hui wen.
pathetic.
then again,
i didnt expect more.
we did lay ups.
we did passing.
we broke the sec ones record.
76 passes.
a record indeed with so many sec ones doing it.
haha.
played match.
it was fun.
won and won.
thundered and thundered.
nice passes :D
by me of course.
hahaha.
and rebounding.
it felt so good.
doing that thing i did.
hahaha.
all 9 of us went to ikea.
ate bk.
went to queenway.
bought nike reversible jersey.
it was only like 25 bucks man!!
that's freaking cheap.
hahaha.
HY and her 10 bucks FBT jerseys.
we bought boxers.
all the same funky ones.
hahaha.
went to play ball at bel's house there.
hahaha.
the guys were damn annoying.
rebounding was fun :D
hahha.
i became back the super defender again.
at first we lost to the guys 11-4.
then we won!!
hahaha.
11-10.
the guy's hang time was like really long.
SNG look- alike man.
i will miss sng you know.
but he was very solo.
and the guys were pussies.
hah!!
i could get so many rebounds from them!
hahaha.
and the guy was so weak!!
i even snatched ball with him and won!!!!
hahahaha.
the green shirt guy molested HY.
ROFLMAO!!!~~
half way through the game,
we got really annoyed.
and we started passing hilarious comments.
hahaha. lmao!!
hahah.
we were saying they werent gentlemen,
just men.
hahaha.
we were passing some really retarded comments.
went back.
tried the jersey.
it's really big everywhere,
except for the chest it's small!!
hahaha
RARR!!
i thought for a moment i grew like sock lin okay.
then debbie told me it was small for her there too.
PHEW!!
hahaha.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 6:09 PM
queens match
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
bloody hell.
he was choosing top 12.
it was damn unfair.
first he chose jo, kim, bunny, lin, amanda, li wei., debbie, wan ling.
and then he paused.
then he chose sue li and adela.
what the hell.
i didnt even see adela at training for yonks.
i really felt like crying.
he chose some other people i cant remeber who.
he said i fought with the sec ones.
wtf. i started crying.
bel came over and all.
even li wei said it was damn unfair.
i didnt even start the fight.
joanne was the one who called her an ah lian.
she happily just pushed the whole thing to me.
AGAIN.
i wasnt the only one involved.
i found it so unbelievable.
RARR.
i couldnt stop crying.
joanne tried to come over when bel was talking to me.
i told her to leave me alone.
she went off.
she came back again and touched me on the shoulder.
i smacked her hand away.
and she gave that bloody face and said " you want to know why you're not playing? "
i wanted to shout "fuck off cos you dont even know what's happening,
you have no right to speak,
you are the second last person i wanna see,
the last being patrick. "
i messaged ms mak.
she came up agaiin.
we went to talk.
she knew it was all cos he was biased.
but RARR.
she apologised for not being able to help.
when it wasnt even her fault.
he was being damn childish.
she said he doesnt even talk to her now.
bloody hell.
FAST FORWARD.
they won the match.
played ball with hy and sharon.
then played 5 on 5 with queens.
we won.
bah.
was feeling lousy.
went to eat at great world.
introduced hy to the world of ben & jerry's.
hahaha.
went to zara.
chose clothes for hy to try on.
hahaha.
hy wanted to say that i had dont know what.
she ended up saying i was perfect.
hahaha.
and she was like shit.
wrong word.
now her ego is gonna be like shit.
hahaha.
went back.
went to work.
did soldering and all.
super fun :D
The Girl Behind the Screen, 9:42 PM
basketball gathering?
Saturday, December 10, 2005
on thursday i didnt go to work.
i was like down with the flu and had a headache.
plus michelle was there so yeah.
studied and mopped and vaccumed the house.
dad came back.
on friday,
i went down to training on my own,
and for once in a long time i didnt cab down from tiong.
it was raining so heavily :(
and i missed camp alot!!
i miss bibi!!!
we did the cycle thingy.
and for the first part,
training really sucked.
and then we did the dribbling and bollywod stuff.
hahaha.
it started getting fun cos we started racing and everyone was cheering each other.
lmao!!~
we played match.
okay.
i was really pissed cos he kept saying that we couldnt play without jo.
and i was like WTF.
even lin said that my rebounding is better than hers.
ah bah!
it doesnt make a difference.
he put lin, bunny, judy, wan ling and kim on one team.
me, debbie, sue li, min min and hui wen was on the other.
like how the hell did he expect us to play.
i was like the controller,
rebounder,
and the everything at the same time.
bloody hell.
i got really pissed cos i was the only one running back for defense,
and when i got the ball,
i carried out nice plays,
the sec ones couldnt catch the ball.
he scolded me,
saying i passed to hard.
like what the heck?
i got really pissed.
i nearly cried from frustration man.
kim was trying to encourage me,
saying that what only mattered was that i was making nice plays happen.
well it didnt really help.
except that when i get pissed,
i play my ass off.
he took over one of the sec ones,
and things were so much better.
i got to prove myself,
nice rebounds,
nice shots.
and that beautiful pass to debbie.
neh!
he said it was too good to be true.
oh bloody hell.
but at least i know i proved myself a valuable player :D
went to tiong,
met maria there.
kim and debbie ate.
we went back.
showered,
yadder yadder.
met and went to get stuff from anchorage.
yadder yadder.
i shall cut short cos kwan complains i type too much.
me and li wei started the fire.
hahha.
the difference in the any how made fire and the proper one.
hahaha.
LMAO!
eric actually came down.
we talked and yeah.
we wanted to ball,
but like we were the ones upstairs,
while everyone else was playing.
we got kinda pissed.
went down to ask them to go up and they didnt want to?
we played.
me, debbie, kim and jo VS
boss, hy, bel and min min.
we won!!!!
hahaha.
i'm annoyed that after i've did what he said and worked and earned my place,
i'm still not given my place.
and she,
she isnt even committed,
doesnt do her job,
and she isnt the top,
she gets it.
and that really annoys me.
it really does.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 10:05 PM
training
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
hey. let me see.
work on tuesday was like.
work. but it wasnt that bad cos i did more hands on stuff ratehr than paperwork and all.
i cut the parts they needed to make the LCD screens so yeah.
it was cool.
and much more interesting than what i usually do :D
hmm.
uneventful.
i woke up at six today and when to the NG's place.
noah and joshie and lebby were so adorable.
hahaha.
then again what's new?
oh i know! NOAH!
hahaha.
okay i'm like talking to myself.
went for training and it was like yeah.
bloody warm.
i'm really annoyed cos he doesnt even give us a chance to prove we can play.
i mean i used to be the first five to play even when i was in sec 1.
and now?
bloody hell.
if only i werent suspended so many times.
so many people caught up with me.
but you know something?
i'm quite confident that if i'm given chance i can play better than joanne.
it's just so annoying that i dont get the chance just cos he's biased against me and he loves her.
i'm sick of all this.
covering up for her,
doing what she's supposed to do,
being a 1000000 times more of a captain than she is,
and when something goes wrong,
she blames it on me.
if everything goes smoothly,
she claims the credit.
i cant believe she actually told him i was the one who started the fight,
when she was the one who called her an ah lian.
i'm tired of being suspended over stupid reasons like not bringing a textbook,
like playing ball with sharon.
i'm sick and tired.
and worse,
my skills dwindle.
my passion dwindles.
and then after it all,
when i've gained it all back and more,
i'm not given a chance to prove myself.
he blames everything on me.
i had to shoulder the whole blame of the fight when they started it.
when they particiapted in it.
bloody hell.
i used to be able to tolerate to shut it all out.
but now i cant.
i dont ask to be loved.
i just ask to not be hated.
i cant take the fact that she is the captain and she doesnt fufill her responsibilities.
then on court she bosses people around.
it annoys me that i shoulder her responsibilities and it's not about not getting credit.
it's about getting blamed,
getting judged for something you didnt do.
getting punished for trying to cover up for her mistakes.
i'm really at the edge.
push me once,
and i'll fall over.
nudge me,
and i'll really blow.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 6:20 PM
hello!!
Monday, December 05, 2005
let's start from let me see.
yesterday.
i woke up and i had instant noodles for breakfast.
i studied abit of my accounts and chem.
ihave resolved to study next year,
cos i just woke up and realised how much of my life has gone to waste,
and i realised that what everyone has been telling me is true.
i'm not stupid, and if i just would put in a bit of effort i can make it.
so yeah.
i bathed and all,
and set out at 2.30 to meet sasha and SUPPOSEDLY bibi.
yeah.
met up,
called bibi,
she told us to meet her at 5.30??
and guess where?
SERANGOON.
we asked if could meet earlier. then she was like 5.15?
i was like OOOO! so much earlier. neh neh. hahaha.
we hunted up and down for amarker pen to sign the shirt.
ate ice cream.
we went to kino to buy a marker instead.
i bought her 300g of her favourite fanous amos cookies.
double chocolate chip pecan :D
bought 30 packs of tissue paper just cos sasha needed a few peices.
and she dumped th 29 packs in my bag.
rarr!! my bag was huge after that.
we polished sasha's ring after that.
hahaha.
and suprisingly time flew and it was like 4.50.
we were two idiots who didnt know serangoon.
hahaha.
and so we cabbed.
we were betting that the cab fare would be like 10 or 15 bucks.
in the end it was like 6.80?
and that was from town to serangoon?
it's damn cheap?
we were sitting in the cab and we couldnt get over the fact we were going to serangoon.
just to meet HER!!!!
rarr.
hahaha. we were saying we dont blame people for thinking we love her.
cos we do!!!!
in a friends way!!! hahahaa.
:D
we reached there and she was late!!!!!
like RARR!!!!
waited and waited.
she finally came with her best friend.
and we didnt even know that was her best friend cos she walked in front
cos she didnt wanna be introduced.
i didnt know when bibi said anti social it was really ANTI SOCIAL.
hahaha.
she was damn late can?
hahaha. we threw cookies at her man.
hahaha. damn funny.
she gave us a pretty key chain.
it was hand made.
watched her team play.
they were good.
they won the competition!!!
they got first man! like cool!! :D
after that her bung friend gave us a lift.
some things. ********.
we went to her house.
her room is seriously a kid's room.
and she has so many DVDs and like 3/4 are cartoons.
childish.
hahaha.
dude!!! her ex pack member flooding her testimonials was soooo funny.
41 testimonials eh!!!!
hahaha.
she was so pissed man.
she was like it's not i'm slow to reply her message.
and me and sasha were like HAHAH!!!!!
she was like it's cos i dont want to!! hahaha.
you know she took like 5 minutes to type out her address?
bloody slow.
hahaha.
the king kong shit was damn hilarious man!!!!
hahaha.
hmm. training today was like nothing.
we did lay ups,
passing,
we played 2 on 2.
me and kim VS amanda and qian ru.
we thrashed them man.
haaha.
jo should have just SHUT UP.
you know if you dont behave like a captain off court,
you shouldnt come for training and boss everyone around.
i was really annoyed.
i remember on friday,
we were doing passing.
and we were doing fine.
me and bel was telling them to count,
and she didnt even do anything.
and all of a sudden,
she asked everyone to knock down.
even bel gave that what the hell look.
no one knocked down can?
everyone was like WTF.
until i went okay.
everyone knock down.
only then did they knock down.
like LOSER!
it rained and he talked to us.
it was really annoying.
he kept pushing the whole blame on me,
like as if i started the fight.
it's not like he was even there.
he thinks germaine is a bloody angel.
and he hates me.
he made it sound like they were totally innocent.
and i was the one who is to blame.
bloody hell.
she passed that annoying comment first.
asshole.
she was so smug.
hahaha.
the sec ones like kim.
hahaha.
cos she's so diplomatic.
bloody funny.
she was like no one can win anna.
except for tong.
then she was like, erm. no.
tong doesnt.
hahaha.
dude. so funny.
we played concentration game,
and 007 bang!
hahaha.
hilarious.
we went to watch chicken little.
it was okay.
not bad not terrific.
mutton language.
he=baah!!
she=baah!!
they=baah!!
hahha.
dude.
it was so funny.
and the i bruise you,
you bruise me,
we all bruise so easily.
hahaha.
like what the hell.
we were so hyped up bout it.
in the toilet we were speaking mutton language.
and some old woman scolded us and said we were so noisy and jeering the show.
likke what the hell?
and another woman was like yah. yah.
rarr.
such a spoiler.
went back.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 7:00 PM
fight
Friday, December 02, 2005
training today was like well,
the politically correct thing to say would be that it was full of ups and downs.
i'm trying to do some self reflection now.
i guess i got irritated when we were doing passing,
and i was passing properly,
and they were passing like they just learnt how to play basketball.
debbie was saying that if there's a soccer team,
we would all be great goalies. cos seriously,
we collected the ball at every place imaginable.
there was even a few we actually dived.
like diving on the run.
and it wasnt that bad until patrick started irrtating me,
by seriously picking on me.
everyone could tell.
neh.
i got really annoyed and irritated.
we had a break.
when he came up,
he talked to all of us,
asking one by one why we joined basketball.
and i could already sense something was wrong.
i told bel.
the sec ones were still laughing away.
he said the school was closing us down.
after our competition they would close us down.
we got really upset.
i started crying.
so so did the seniors.
me and bel couldnt stand the way he kept praising the sec twos,
saying they went through alot.
yeah it's true.
but havent we been through more?
they never had to run and sprint 60 rounds on the hardcourt at 2 in the afternoon.
they never had to work like crazy for jerseys.
they never bled, cried, vommitted and then continued working like mad.
they've never done over 350 cuff raises.
the singing pumpings.
the leg raises.
the seriously crazy physical trainings.
but i seriously am thankful for all of that.
cos it bonded us.
cos it made us what we are now.
this batch of basketballers,
they have alot of potential.
seriously.
wan ling has alot she can be.
but there's something she lacks.
commitment.
germaine and waicheng have alot they can be.
they seriously have alot of potential.
but germaine has an attitude problem.
just like mine.
but from that attitude problem,
if you are given so much time,
and you dont rise,
everything is of no use.
talent is wasted.
she really can be alot.
he went down and we played a match.
when we played against the sec twos,
i played like there was no tommorrow.
i collected beautiful rebounds,
then put in the beautiful lan di-s.
all of a sudden had great vision,
we had very nice plays and passes.
took a break.
this is the down.
played with the sec ones.
okay we werent very serious.
someone just grabbed the ball from me.
i was very stunned.
hahaha.
i was like you die!
apparently they didnt see the smile on my face which kinda meant i was joking?
so they started getting rough and not subjecting to fouls.
there was no refrees.
so it was a call your own foul game.
that time i got irritated.
bel said a fuck you came out.
so yeah.
what annoyed me was the way they were so disrespectful.
i know it's a two way thing.
which is why i didnt start dissing.
YET.
then germaine made a very sacarstic comment.
i got real pissed.
i was really controlling.
i think WORDS were coming out of my mouth.
i wanted to slam the ball into her face you know.
the old me wouldnt have hesitated.
and qian ru and the bench people made it worse by the way they pretended to refree.
calling fouls when there were no fouls.
at first i wasn that affected.
and then it was really damn frequent.
even amanda who was on the opposite team was saying that i didnt foul.
so yeah.
bel stopped the game.
she actually took intiative to apologise.
and they actually told her they didnt want her apology and germaine walked off.
she started shouting at bel okay.
and i get very angry when such things happen cos i'm very protective of my friends.
i went to debbie and started spewing.
at least in the game i didnt direct the vulgarities to them,
no matter how much i wanted to go up to her,
"slam the ball in her face and go,
you're such a bloody f*cking peice of shit who thinks so highly of yourself."
that i didnt do that really amazed me.
i cooled down.
and i was really trying to be nice,
bearing in mind what boss said.
and i said in a SUPER angelic non sacacrstic tone " i apologise for the use of vulgarities. "
and germaine and the group of sec ones tried to walk away.
bel stopped them.
germaine turned around and pretended to comb her hair.
that was it.
i just showed a finger.
and she was like i saw that.
i really lost my cool.
i was trying to apologise,
and there she was acting so high and mighty,
like she was totally innocent.
i started shouting at her.
the rest of the sec ones were stunned.
i am not a person who apologises okay.
and never have i apologised to sec ones.
and bloody hell.
i got damn pissed.
talked to jo, lin and bel.
i was saying whats the use.
he hates me.
and joanne should have just shut up.
she said. think why he hates you.
and i lost it.
i was like maybe cos i dont like him.
i prefer eric to him.
because i didnt bring my math textbook,
i played ball with sharon?
and it all started coming out.
all the pent up frustrations of being picked on,
of being suspended,
stopped from doing what i love.
all the frustrations of being dismissed.
bel and i started crying.
she walked off.
i walked away to chill.
cooled down.
boss told us we were being phased out.
i decided that we should tell him what happened.
being who he was,
he kept blaming me.
it's just so frustrating.
that after everything,
after trying so hard,
i'm still back to square one.
he still hates me,
still blames me.
and for what?
i dont know.
after changing and controlling,
staying out of trouble,
it doesnt make a difference to a way he sees me.
i guess that's what frustrates me.
i dont ask to be liked.
i just ask not to be disliked by him.
we went to ikea after that.
me and debbie.
and i dont feel like talking already.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 9:38 PM
a painful rejection
Thursday, December 01, 2005
i did it again.
let someone in,
and didnt know how to say goodbye.
so this is one for you:
staring at the back of you,
watching sadly as you walk away from me.
holding back all my tears,
hurting inside as your shape soon disappears.
i cant explain this thing i feel inside.
this emptiness that echoes through the night.
i cant let go of everything i know.
i aint gonna let you go.
i said hello,
i let you in.
and now i'm struggling to let you go.
i hate goodbyes,
yeah i hate it all,
the empty promises to keep in touch.
now as i see you walk away.
i know my life wont be the same.
i'm incomplete,
there's only half of me,
why cant you see that,
now that you are gone.
this painful rejection,
leaves me in dejection.
how do i face this world alone.
The Girl Behind the Screen, 11:28 AM
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ANNA CHEN JIEMIN
17 JULY 1990
SAINT THERESA'S CONVENT
GUITARIST AND CHILD OF YAHWEH
SINGAPORE
BASKETBALLER
PATRIOT.NOT
WHITE
The One who gave His life for me
My family
My friends
Big brothers and Little sister :D PJLA
Basketball and basketballers
Writing songs, poems
Music
Coffee (Starbucks over Coffee bean anytime :D)
Ben & Jerry's
Carl's Junior
Sushi
Travelling round the world
Photography
Backpacking
Kids
Grey's Anatomy!! :D
Friends Season 1-10!
Reading!!
Happy endings
Hotties and NICE EYES! :D
OBS!
BLACK
Goodbyes
Satan
Broken promises
Back stabbers
Air pollutants
Abusive parents
Abortions
GOLD
Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and they fell.
3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise up against me, in this will I be confident.
4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to enquire in His temple.
5 For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavillion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me upon a rock.
6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in His taberncale sacrifices of joy: I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.
7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me and answer me.
8 When Thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto Thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.
9 Hide not Thy face far from me; put not Thy servant away in anger: Thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.
11 Teach me Thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord.
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