Owner of a Lonely heart

MY WORLD

Monday, January 31, 2005

we won. so what. big deal. it was only 23-11. when we could have thrashed them and i'm in a ultra bad mmod. no one performed their best. maybe because of that. they really dont see their childish quarrels is affecting everyone. please wait till the competetion is over. i am stuck in between both of you guys. please can you stop it? i beg you. for the team? hy was so upset. and so am i. becuase i played like shit. really. i'm a horrible player. i know i'm worst than them. you dont have to tell me. i know i'm proud but i dont know whaat to do bout it. but do you know how demoralising it is? i dont know. how can someone who won feel so down. people think i'm crazy. eric told me it was okay. but if he was there he wont have said it. i cannot describe it. i missed an open lay up, because of my stupid habit of one hand lay ups. i missed three below the baskets. i'm really a disappointment to hy and eric and mak. i dont know. i'm supoosed to improve but i'm deproving. i think it's because i'm too proud. o man. i'm like him! i'm racist, egoistic and i like to criticise. shit man. how can he do this to us. i realise i havent been really passionate. and i blame myself. the fire is there, but it's like not as bright. i dont even live a life. i'm not passionate bout studies, most importantly God. how how how? i lead a stupid life. i know the truth and i try so hard to follow it but why do i keep failing. i want to be true to God. i want to be true to what i belive in. i want to be a light. i want to be everything but then notice it never works out. and i really feel like shit. i dont know why i've beeen so moody. but i am not pms-ing. shit. why i am horrible

i am egoistic
i'm racist
i'm judgemental
i like to crticise
i'm a hyporcrite
i'm proud
i know what i'm supposed to do but i dont do it.
i dont do my best even when i can

dont you think i'm horrible?

The Girl Behind the Screen, 7:37 PM

Saturday, January 29, 2005

hey. i'm in an especially cranky mood today. maybe cos i didnt get to do alot of things that i want to do, like go out and play basketball instead of rotting my ass off. or maybe because i havent had a good laugh in a long long while. or maybe i'm just frustrated because he thinks i'm not good enough to play no matter how hard i try. it's like i try so hard, i've got so far, but in the end it doesnt matter. he didnt see how many steals, how many times i was the one running back for defence, how many interceptions i made. but he just saw the lousy passes, the lousy shots, and the lousy drives. or maybe yes, truly i'm not good enough to play. she had the nerves to turn and say in front of tong, if we dont make it this year, we still have next year. she never thought that this is her last year, this year i dont even have a chance, and next year THEY are going to play. she never thought she still has TWO more years, but for some, it's everything we've got, it's their last shot. my apple tea is sitting in my bag, the one hy bought. maybe i wont need it at all, cos maybe i wont play at all. am i hallucinating? am i crazy or am i oversensitive? i guess not. why do we have to suffer because some people refuse to come for training? tong tells me not to grumble, and hy tells me to shine for her on court. but how do you i shine on court when i'm not on court? stress relief where are you? i want germaine, i want rachel, i want cass, i want father, i want amy, i want JOYstick!! i think i'm having mood swings. i think i'm crazy. and please. the anoynomous, the one who doesnt own a name or a personality, what the fuck yourself. i'm in a horrible mood because of everything, and i cant take it anymore. so piss off and die.

The Girl Behind the Screen, 1:00 PM

Sunday, January 23, 2005

hey. i dont know why but i feel like shit. i really do. maybe it's a burnout. maybe it's just you. but maybe i'm just shit. in your eyes. insignificant peice of shit that you wait to get out of your asshole. maybe i'm crazy. i really think i am. am i normal? i dont think so. people say that we have negative attributes but we have positive ones to make up for it. but where's the positive side of me? where's all my plus? i see the crosses but where are all the ticks. maybe i'm being oversensitive. maybe i'm too stressed out coping with all the quarrels i hear everyday. what makes two people change from being inseperable to being repelled by each other. look at them. two friends that were so close, and now they're this. went to rachel's farewell party last night. and i thought again, and i sighed again. what's with the goodbyes, and huggs that are meant to end? what's with relationships that do not last? it's so unfair. just cos she has the cash she can get whatever she wants and say her friend gave it to her. just because she's smart and talented she gets to go for everything. bull. life is made unfair. some people get everything going their way, some people dont. but some people want it all but i dont want anything it all. just having you.

The Girl Behind the Screen, 1:39 PM

Thursday, January 20, 2005

first match on 27th of January, next Tuesday. against CHIJTP. we so gotta win them.

The Girl Behind the Screen, 10:53 PM

*parental advisory. explicit content. what's hornily hilarious? that's right. today's outing. haha. went out with _____, germaine, rachel and cassandra today. and damn was it like so funny!!?? haha. _____ was so hilarious. at first i didnt wanna go, cos i wasnt on good terms with him, but in the end i got in the car cos why? i didnt wanna go home alone. haha. but it was a good descision. we went to holland v, and we wanted to eat at subway, but we chaged our minds, so we wanted to eat at the prositute menu place but it was closed. so we decided on swensons. we were like whisper whisper in the car, and _____ wanted to know, so he like just swerved the car left, right, and germaine went nuts. haha. you should have seen her face right rach? we were saying she would have like flew right "PIAK!!!" on the windscreen haha. and germaine kept checking out guys while we were driving past, and we were like, shakes head. so when we reached swensons, all the fun began. they ordered crayfish and baked rice. but me and germ were like tooo full to eat. so _____ started telling us bout his love life and blah blah. and how he sent her home, and he kept on saying... " one thing led to another." so we were like can you stop? and he was like. what? do you think i asked her, "do you wanna play with my joystick?" and we were like o my goodness!!! we were laughing like hell and banging the table? so were like press my button. ( machine gun sounds ) haha. we took a picture of it. so he was telling us bout his girlfriend. and he was like 19 and his girlfriend was 13? like eww!!!!! and she was bloody petty and bitchy. so we were like what school? tangjong katong. haha. so all four of us were like no wonder those girls are- and _____ goes and my *erhem is also from there and we were like shit!! heng we never say. haahaha.it was bloody funny. and so we started talking bout the st pat guys and the TK girls, and rachel told us the bridge connecting was called the Love bridge. and we were like eww!! and i was like cheesy!!! and he was like totally like you know, "darling, where do you want to meet?" "i dont know, lets meet at the LOVE bridge." hahaha. and the way he said it, it was classic! can you believe when they were dating for 8 years, they went for one lesson and skipped the rest? and they hung at world trade center cos no one would go there? haha. so he was like we went to __ together, and we were like ooooh!!!! and he said, we're still together. and silence. and he's like " what?! no oohs? you put importance on wrong things." so cass told us bout how all the guys were playing pool, and they tried to hit all THE BALLS INTO THE HOLE. so we were laughing like hell and he goes like: "ooh! they can fit BALLS into ONE hole?" haha. like dude!!! he was worse than us! haha. then germ started talking bout condoms and she was like strawberry condom is the strongest. damn loudly, and everyone stared at us. so we ordered our ice cream, (and i had no idea sticky chewy chocolate was like that huge.) and rachel kept on telling the waiter, i want my joy stick. i want my joystick, and we were all laughing like hell but the waiter didnt get the joke so he like stood there and stared at us? he must have thought we were nuts. so anyways, _____ asked us to test if we were a good kisser, by tying a knot with the cherry, i didnt bother, but rach and germ tried, and germ managed to do it so many times. we took a video of that anyway. haha. so germ was like: before i will date a guy, i will see if he can tie a knot with the cherry. so ____ was like: " before you date me, i'm gonna give you my cherry." (face lights up!) it was like so wrong? haha. okay the rest is not metionable. o wells. so i wore phua's jacket and i was telling them i look like some taiwanese pop group. so germaine was like energy!! and i was like you mean ANNA-GY?!!! haha. that was like classic. it was so funny. o man. so he sent us back and yupp. that was the end of the fun that day. //anna the conqueror

The Girl Behind the Screen, 10:02 PM

Sunday, January 09, 2005

hey. i read all the stories bout the heroes. bout how a NZ man gave his life to rescue his pregnant wife, lift her up on a roof, only to be swept away. how a man ran back up and down a hill, to save 20 kids, inspiring others to do the same. ignore the next wave, and get his head rammed against the concrete wall. and you know what came to me? "greater love hath no man than this; to lay down his life for a friend" so now the japanese girl who saved ling, gary's friend died. while saving her. what makes all these people lay down their lives, forget bout how much they worked to get this far in life, forget bout how much money they have in the bank, forget bout how much longer they could have lived, and run into the face of danger to save someone they dont even know? who are these heroes of these days and what inspires them? i dont know. but i hope that should i ever be faced with such a situation i would do the same. i would be as selfless..

The Girl Behind the Screen, 8:59 PM

haha. this is so lame. but i just took it anyway because sarah yes you! it was on your blog.

The Girl Behind the Screen, 8:47 PM

i am so very annoyed. if you think you are a big shot, then you are wrong. if you think you are the greatest, you are really the smallest. if you believe the world loves you, you call for disgust. or are you trying to make me vommit? what bullshit is this trying to be so holy, and that you're gonna change? at least i know i'm so not holy. but unfortunately your ego is big its blocking your eyes. it's sad cos you got two big heads but no brains at all. sad that you cannot see. tragic cos you think you've got brains. you make fun of your clerk. at least he's better of than you. he actually has compassion. it's stupid to buy a air purifier for 7k, but at least he's got a heart. wanna talk bout retarded? who was the one who thought a mandrin orange was a pomegranat? and the idiot who thought a grape tree, not even a grape vine would grow out of his head? totally sickening because you cant get past the disability, the skin color, the past experiences to appreciate the true beauty of a person. nauseating because you think they dont deserve second chances, just because they are brown in color. if everyone were like you, you wont have any friends cos unlike what you're ego tells you, you're not very funny and the perfect friend. you're so pitiful cos you cant appreciate inner beauty. malays cant help it if they're malays. God made them that way. but God didnt make you a egoistic, selfish, racist. it's so digusting how you judge people by their skin color. one day i hope you become a malay, or maybe a jew during the holocast, then MAYBE you'll realise how unfair it is to be mutilated and despised for a thing they cant control. a fact they cant change. their very being, their existence. if you think it's alright to be mean, then it's alright to be mean to you which i have been trying not to. if it's alright and normal just because it is funny, maybe you should remember that the only reason you are not despised is, because people look the surface. people forget past experiences, we,i ignore what your ex says bout you. and you know what? am i petty? i'm not angry. but i just pity you. i pity you cos you're as shallow headed and as hypocritical as others make you out to be. fullstop. but i feel like a fool for telling others you're not a jerk, that you're actually nice. i feel like a total idiot for telling people they're making a mistake. but i was making the bigger mistake. the world doesnt revolve around you and your racist conversations. think about it. o man!! i'm so sorry i forgot it isnt within your capabitilies. i sincerely apologise for forgetting you dont have a brain, nor a heart. forgive me and dont judge me cos this is a PASTR EXPERIENCE.

The Girl Behind the Screen, 8:03 PM

Saturday, January 08, 2005

today was sooo fun!! we played truth or dare, and turns out robin is so scandalous.!! haha. but he's so cute mon! right.. it was so hilarious talking about castrating fishballs and peas and circumsising them. and what not?!! fanny was like so.. do you have any balls left? i'm like what the heck?! jerome was so hilarious. oh man. what has happened to all of us??!! shua shua finally got a hair cut. and he looks likea china man!!! but him and lebby are still like totally adorable. cheryl discovered that godwin and daniel look alike from nose down?! it's so funny. haha. o wells. have to come up for a proposal for mrs kong so laters!!

The Girl Behind the Screen, 10:27 PM

Friday, January 07, 2005

hey. i got ms queck as my pe teacher alright. today's meeting was so horrible. no body wanted to conrtibute and everyone kept saying stupid things and asking stupid questions. the funniest part of it all came when we were talking bout the hair. tong: no shaving. anna: no shaving?! ( covers armpit in desperation! ) haha. it was like so hilarious man. in the end we finished at 5? then we went to eat steamboat, and we took a cab. then we kept irritating the cab driver by singing that san zi lao hu song out of tune and wrongly, like a broken tape recorder. he was trying so hard not to laugh. and he was so annoyed. then when we reached and we were like bye bye. he thought we didnt wanna pay. we ate until we were bloated, then we got into a cab. so we did the same thing, and this time the cabby kept laughing and correcting us. then he started singing all kinda nonsense song. tong was like so scared cos she had to get down last? so we started singing gong xi gong xi gong xi ni. so the cabby told us when tong performs, he told us to bring plastic bags cos everyone will throw shoes at her. like what the heck? o wells. not really in a mood now. i got scolded for nothing at all.

The Girl Behind the Screen, 7:36 PM

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

31st of December. hey. if you guys havent heard, my life really sucks now. friday we went to play tennis. and i had to play doubles with dan. and it was so awkward? so we went for lunch, and gail slipped down the stairs with dan's beloved guitar. and we were like busted!!! so i messaged him and told him. i was like the case is really scratched. but dont be mad. she's hurt?! haha. so he was like, it'r alright but is she okay? and he asked a few times and said the things a medic would say. o wells. it was so hilarious me and fanny were laughing our asses off. i so screwed up friday's worship, and i swear i wont worship lead ever again. i get why i dont get to go for the next guitar course, and why daniel doesnt put me on scheldule. because i'm as bad as godwin. i've got mom's genes. sabrina got baptised!!! we had a great time other than worship, and it felt really good to see so many of us gathered. we laughed, we cried, we kneeled and what not did we not do? we stayed over in church. 1st of January. we had our very first sabbath service and it was a blast. we had music practice, and when the babies came, lebby was wearing a pink shirt. so daniel went, why are you wearing a pink shirt? it's so gay!! and all this while our dear boy was carrying his pink shirt to change into?! and we were nuts. worship was great, and sunday school was as per normal. jacqueline brought her boy friend. he was nice, but he turned out to be daniel's soccer mate and ex neighbour. haha. o wells. we stayed over in church. 2nd of January. we woke up to a great breakast of toast, cheese sausages and eggs. then we got to work. we cleaned th drum sets, wiped to floors, scrubbed chairs and cleaned the whole sanctuary. and we were really mean to daniel. sorry!!! gail started it!! haha. she started with the pomegranat thingy. (inside joke) and the poor guy was sooooo embarrased. 3rd, 4th, 5th of January. i so wanted mr sng to be my geog teacher. and who did i get? mrs michelle chua. so for the rest of our geog lessons we have to hear bout her plants and estetic reps. but i got ms mak for chinese!!!!! yay!!! okay, i'm not really in the mood now cos mrs kong threatened to close down our team. and we are so hanging on a very thin line. patrick was telling us, and he started crying. so me jo tong and bel started crying? it was so horrible. if they take away basketball, there's nothing to motivate us, we'll go nuts again. it's like our life in stc. we were so upset. we tried so hard to change and we hardly got into trouble. the last time i got into trouble was before the tournament last year alright. and all it takes is a girl who doesnt wanna be a girl, a bung called li wei, to get into trouble for her short hair and belt, run away when she's called up by mrs kong, and when she never comes for training, mrs kong asks her what cca are you in? she says BASKETBALL. and happily, all of us get so busted. thanks for ruining our life. we know you dont care bout the team, whether you have a cca, because all you want is your girlfriends, that you dont care whether the team exists, but we do. i do, tong does, bel does, jo does and all the seniors. so much we have trained for, tong has changed, jo me and debbie has changed and then you happily come along and get us into trouble. if you even come for training and you're committed, it's okay. it's not that bad. but halow?! the last time you ever came for a full training was god knows when? but patrick still wants you in the team. because if he doesnt take you in, who will? because for once, someone in your life called mr patrick ng cares for you. and he's willing to sacrifice his job for you. and if you cant understand that, you cant sacrifce your hair and your belt, i got nothing to say. if you think your hair and belt is what speaks for you, you are so wrong. because i would have more respect for you if you could sacrifice for the team, think bout others before yourself. and for the above reasons, we have to come up with a petition, and a plan to make basketballers a light on the hill, if not, there would be no such thing as a theresian basketballer.

The Girl Behind the Screen, 6:52 PM

ANNA CHEN JIEMIN
17 JULY 1990
SAINT THERESA'S CONVENT
GUITARIST AND CHILD OF YAHWEH
SINGAPORE
BASKETBALLER
PATRIOT.NOT

WHITE
The One who gave His life for me
My family
My friends
Big brothers and Little sister :D PJLA
Basketball and basketballers
Writing songs, poems
Music
Coffee (Starbucks over Coffee bean anytime :D)
Ben & Jerry's
Carl's Junior
Sushi
Travelling round the world
Photography
Backpacking
Kids
Grey's Anatomy!! :D
Friends Season 1-10!
Reading!!
Happy endings
Hotties and NICE EYES! :D
OBS!

BLACK
Goodbyes
Satan
Broken promises
Back stabbers
Air pollutants
Abusive parents
Abortions

GOLD
Psalm 27
¹ The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?
² When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and they fell.
³ Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise up against me, in this will I be confident.
⁴ One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to enquire in His temple.
⁵ For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavillion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me upon a rock.
⁶ And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in His taberncale sacrifices of joy: I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.
⁷ Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me and answer me.
⁸ When Thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto Thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.
⁹ Hide not Thy face far from me; put not Thy servant away in anger: Thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
¹⁰ When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.
¹¹ Teach me Thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
¹² Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
¹³ I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord.